?

Log in

No account? Create an account

To Whom It May Concern.

It's time for Mandy to be passive aggressive.

Ahem.

I'm not going to contact you directly, because I understand now that in the past year, any correspondence between you and I has been tolerated out of you not wanting to feel like an asshole. I don't know if you'll ever read this -- and that's fine -- it's not a IM or a e-mail, so I don't have to be disappointed when you don't care enough to reply.  I can just always assume you never read it.

It's one thing to have the humiliating realization that I spent the time I did living with and loving someone who never loved me -- it's another to hear almost a year after the fact that the person I spent that time with doesn't even respect me enough to tell me they lost interest in even remaining friends with me a long, long time ago because I'm such an irritating person. I shouldn't have to hear that elsewhere.   

I don't think you quite understand how much courage it took me to muster up to contact you whenever I did -- because I had the will to not lose you as my friend. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be able to look knowing you had no desire to rebuild a friendship? You could have saved me alot of effort (and yourself alot of annoyance) if you could have just told me as soon as you realized your perception of me changed.

I'm sorry if you were irritated so badly by me talking to your friends about the things that were upsetting me. I wish you could have understood that when I was talking to these people, I was under the impression that they were my friends as well. I recall you reassuring me while we were together, in my insecure moments that these people didn't see me as anything more than your girlfriend, that they were my friends as well and would still be so if you and I weren't together.

I was also under the impression that you of all people understood the importance of having someone to talk to when going through something like that. I remember many occasions, before we were together, when you were my friend, you spending alot of time talking me through my troubles with you-know-who. Was I irritating you then? Has our entire friendship been you just tolerating me? Am I really that unpleasant?

Was I entitled to no support? I'm sure you had plenty of people to talk to when you blind sided me by leaving in the blink of an eye. I'm not entirely sure you ever at the time put much thought toward how hard it was for me. You got to pack up a few things and leave, removing yourself from the situation and anything that has to do with me while I sat in the apartment surrounded by all of your belongings. I'm trying not to be melodramatic, but in the event that you do read this I'm sure that's what you'll see it as. Maybe if you ever really loved me you'd understand more how hard it was. It was fucking hard.

So I'm sorry me seeking support changed your perception of me so much. Was it really that large of a shock? Have I ever come off as the kind of person who could just bounce back immediately after something like that happens? To just keep my composure and go on with my life like nothing happened or mattered because that's what would be best for you? Make no mistake about it, that's what it was. Best for you, not me, you.

Also, please keep in mind that as soon as I came to the realization that those people weren't really my friends I stopped contacting them.

I know I can be a frustrating person, I may not be the best at dealing with my emotions, but at least I deal with them.

I've always loved and respected you. I can't be angry with you for not loving me -- that's just silly, perhaps it wouldn't be unreasonable of me for being angry at you telling me you loved me, but I'm not, I understand that at the time you were trying really hard to pretend that was the truth. I am a little angry, at hurt at the blatant disrespect.

I'm not going to pretend that you owe me anything, but it would have been really nice to not hear it from another person, months and months after the fact, that you had no intent in remaining friends with you. A effort I wanted to make because you assured me when you left that we would still be friends.

I feel really, really fucking stupid. I just think back to every attempted AIM conversation, approaching you and making an attempt to hang out at Grand Buffet, and I feel so fucking stupid knowing any interaction on your part was out of pity.

You really were the best friend I ever had. If that's as good as it gets, I don't need or want friends. You've taught me alot of priceless lessons. I'm the person I am today because of all of the things you taught me -- and maybe I'm not to the point of loving myself, but I'm a good person now, and I like that. I like myself more than I ever have -- except for the fact that I don't trust anyone and I probably won't ever again. Friends have been doing what you've done my entire life, and you knew that.

I don't really know how to end this. Basically, the moral of the story, tell people how you feel about them despite the possibility of it hurting their feelings -- they'll eventually find out and it's going to hurt a million times over when they do.

I hope it was enjoyable to discuss my pregnancy with your friends and talk about how unfit of a mother I'm going to be. Me and the baby are doing just fine, by the way, thanks for your concern.


Signed,

Sleepy and full of pickles.

Sage Francis, Rewrite

This is to the woman who I loved but lost
Intertwine souls of the universe
Got divorced when it wasn't forced
Cause single thoughts of being double-crossed
Till there's no love lost
I can't even start this

She said forever..
This is the rewrite.. this is the rewrite
Yo, check it out!

This to the woman who I used to respect
Now I call her a bitch cause I'm constantly upset
So this is to the +bitch+ who cut communication
Caught in a relation
Selfishness? Best in the nation
All I ever needed was a hug
To wrap my loving arms around you, you blew it off at a shrug
So all I ever wanted was a hand to hold
I ain't the man to scold
Your plan is cold but god damn its old
It's about time get inside of my head while I'm out my mind
As I scream cry yell shout and whine
All I ever asked for
Was an ear to hear me
What you really have to wear a mask for?
You straight shattered my glass jaw
Now I'm picking up the pieces of my past that you last saw
But see this, needless to say, you went astray
And all people ever earful say is
I don't give a damn, for real, I don't care
Let's pull the hair from myself and try to make things clear
Yeah, I don't give a FUCK for real I don't FUCKING CARE
That's all I hear..

The pain stops with the end of raindrops
But this cloudy weather just reminds me of the time we spent together
And how you left forever like that with a snap of fingers
Pain lingers, so this is to the
Woman who I made my family
Now I call her a bitch just to save my sanity
So this is to that +bitch+ who I thought would be right here
She's just a monster in my reoccurring nightmare
Now when my grandfather died, you weren't there for me
When my grandmama died, you weren't there for me
When my natural dad died, you weren't there for me
You saw me and just ignored me like "Sorry end of the story"
My family's dropping like flies ???
But nobody's by my side, can't look straight into my eye
Nobody's by my side, can't look straight into my eyes
My fist grabs air, I stare in through the lies
I never felt more lonely, I made you the one and only
Individual to know me this is the thing that you showed me
I never felt more lonely, I made you the one and only
Individual to know me, never thought that you'd turn phony
But you did, now I'm going all out kid
And I got mad hate to deal with
Just ask ???
I'm having trouble at anyone that tries to get close to me
And that's a major problem because that's not the way it's supposed to be
Supposedly, I should keep my composure
Right now, I'm like "wow", it's time for me to seek closure
Mental pictures are destroyed - overexposure
Ever get that feeling that nobody really knows ya?
This is to the woman who I called my best friend
Now I call her bitch, because she made the switch to that +bitch+
Who I shouldn't disrespect
So now I call her woman just to keep myself in check
This is the rewrite..

New Journal

meowcream

Add, or don't. You know, whatever. 

Jul. 20th, 2007

All the frat boy fists in the world couldn't keep me from seeing Grand Buffet in August.

I never thought I'd miss you.

2007 has been a real mind fuck of a year. I don't even know what to say about it. I feel like I 2007 has taught me alot about how weak the bonds people form with each other are -- no matter how strong you think they are. I don't really even know what to say about it anymore, it's just damn dissapointing.  I've had the priveledge of meeting alot of really amazing people. I'm to immature right now to just be content that I was able to meet them, even if they're not in my life any longer. I can't get over my disapointment , and my longing to be among these amazing people again.  One thing that seems to hold true every year, is that I still don't think I'M amazing. No matter how much I learn and I grow, I just can't learn to love myself.  How can a person consider themselves worthy of love when they're so easily forgotten by others? It's an uphill battle that I'm fighting slowly, and that I'm unsure I'll ever win.

I enjoyed a very breif relationship with a friend's brother who lives in Texas. We started talking in txt messages and everything sorta spiraled out of control and we moved way , way too fast.  As it turns out, I wasn't ready for another relationship and I broke it off with him after about a month. He's an amazing person and I'm so lucky that he's man enough to continue being my friend, and I really do hope he finds someone wonderful really soon.

Haven't been up to very much lately.  Saw Sage Francis earlier in the week in Detroit. I wanted to hit to Ohio show but due to certain elements of the Detroit show I got the distinct impression that my presence wasn't appreciated, so I decided just to stay at home. Despite going alone and getting faced by myself and running up a 60 dollar tab, I really enjoyed myself. I loved ALL of the openers, and Sage passed me the mic like 10 times in a row during one song with this big mischevious smile on his face. Overall, it was a really powerful show. When they performed "Hell of a Year", I actually lost it and hoped no one around me noticed, but I started crying pretty hard. Elements of that song just hit way too close to home.  After the show a homeless man came up to me with some drumsticks and a couple of buckets, his name was Larry. He said he was a musician and that he wanted to play for me. I told him I didn't have time but I gave him two dollars, a cigarette and a really big hug and I promised I'd listen to him place next time i was in the area, and told him to take care of himself as people walked past me and gave me funny looks. I honestly don't care what my two dollars was used to buy -- as long as it let him forget for a little while.

I sat in my car for a while and cried really, really hard.

This week just seems to be going more and more downhill. There hasn't been any temp work in a while and I didn't get a job I really really needed. I'm down to my last 100 bucks and my tire just went flat. 

I seriously am just out of tears, all I can do is laugh at how comically terrible my life is.

Don't tell me that there are people worse off than me, that just makes me sadder.

So, 2006 was fucking incredible, 2007 isn't all that close to ending but I can state with a fair amount of confidence that it sucks ass, and I have reason to believe that 2008 is going to blow my mind.  But shhh, that parts a secret.

WOOT!

Man! The Grand Buffet/Gil Mantera's Party dream show tonight was the WHIP.

OH WAIT

I didn't go because I don't have any friends! Lollerskates!
I hate people who get made when other people refer to anime as cartoons.


SNOOOOOORT IT'S NOT A CARTOON IS ANIME ASFPOAFJAPSOFA *SCREEEEECH*


I'm sorry. It is.

You think they call it anime over there? Well. They don't.

You're a grown person who watches CARTOONS. Accept it. Embrace it. Make it your own.
I have internet now! So that makes me feel a teensie bit better, but I'm still pretty miserable. I started a new job working midnights and I think thats working out for me a lot more than working days does. Getting to watch Futurama before work is the whip.  I got my first paycheck and decided to spend it all on my kitties >_> I wanna start giving them their Science Diet again -- and they needed a new litter box -- and I got a new scooper, and a little mat for them to scratch when they get out of the litter box, and this new kinda non clumping, paper litter thats  supposed to be better. I ended up spending about 70 dollars!

Being a single mama isnt easy ;-;

SHAMELESS!

Hello.

I'm selling lots of shit on ebay. I am both poor AND trying to reduce the amount of importance I place on material stuff. So, if you would like to look upon my treasures, please do. I'll be selling alot of things -- from anime, manga, art books, doohickies, magic the gathering cards, power supplies, pc fans, and perhaps even a laser.

http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZmeowcreamQQhtZ-1

Will be working on adding more all night long.

Under my skin

Spent another weekend at my dad's house -- it's a little on the late side so I think I'm going to be heading back pretty soon. I got a job -- but it's nothing to celebrate about because it's only temp work and it'll be over with in a few weeks. Not enough to get rid of any significant debt, just enough to keep my car paid for. As soon as I get more permanent work I can start worrying about my other debt -- I really should be worried about it NOW but I don't see any point in stressing over it being that there is NOTHING I can do about it at this moment. I also plan on giving John some money when I can -- I owe him alot.

I want to get a tattoo of Cheese from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends on my leg near my Gir tattoo -- but I can't find any good pictures of him. My brother's apprentice, Melanie said that she wants to do a tattoo on me so I figured that would be a good one. I love him so.

I'm on my Lexapro again so living is a bit easier than it was a little bit ago -- only a little though. I miss him so bad every single day. I don't break up well, I guess.

Alright.  Ima get dressed and get driving home, I guess.

Ive got you under my skin
Ive got you deep in the heart of me
So deep in my heart, that youre really a part of me
Ive got you under my skin

Ive tried so not to give in
Ive said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist, when baby will I know than well
That Ive got you under my skin

Id sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear

Dont you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
cause Ive got you under my skin